Parenting
How telling your life story can transform your ...
When Patty Wipfler was a young mother, she met a younger acquaintance who asked her what being a parent was like. Patty burst into tears. She explained that although she had always loved children, parenting was so much more exhausting and stressful than she thought it would be. She confessed that she was starting to lose her temper, being aggressive towards her children in a similar way to how she had been treated as a child. As Patty talked and cried, the woman just listened. Afterwards Patty went home and found that she felt completely different. She had much more energy, and renewed patience to be with her children again. When she next met the young woman she asked her what she had done. The woman explained to Patty the simple method of listening she had used, and how it can help us to release our feelings. Patty began taking...
How telling your life story can transform your parenting
When Patty Wipfler was a young mother, she met a younger acquaintance who asked her what being a parent was like. Patty burst into tears. She explained that although she...
How swimming helped this dad bond with his new ...
When I first met Zach I realised that most of my preparations were flawed. I hadn’t known that he would wiggle and cry so much. I must admit that my confidence was rocked. When Zach was born I was working away every week, so after a week’s paternity leave I was only spending time with him on Saturdays and Sundays. Lora, my wife, was a first-time mum and was learning how to manage with a little one, so it seemed easier to default to her than to take the lead. I had always been a swimmer and felt most at home in, on or under the water, and I wanted Zach to share this love. With the rest of our antenatal class we booked onto a baby swim course. When the day came I was quite nervous. Lora changed Zach, gave him to me on the poolside and off we...
How swimming helped this dad bond with his new baby
When I first met Zach I realised that most of my preparations were flawed. I hadn’t known that he would wiggle and cry so much. I must admit that my...
Grooming choices and the hidden power of body hair
The first time I encountered the concept of body hair removal, I was about 8 or 9. Various female relatives were chatting about my sister and me when discussion turned to our eyebrows. My sister, they reckoned, had perfect eyebrows, whereas I had the misfortune to have inherited my mother’s monobrow. I would, they said, definitely have to pluck my eyebrows when I got older. Later on, newly aware of the fact that the size of my eyebrows mattered, and painfully aware that the size was wrong, I rectified the situation. I did what 8-year-olds do if they need to get rid of hair – I cut it. I cut big chunks of hair out of the middle of each of my eyebrows. And so began twenty-odd years of hair-removal mishaps. There was the first time I shaved my legs, at about 12 or 13, sneaking my dad’s razor in...
Grooming choices and the hidden power of body hair
The first time I encountered the concept of body hair removal, I was about 8 or 9. Various female relatives were chatting about my sister and me when discussion turned...
Embracing fatherhood as a stay-at-home dad
“I think it would work best if I go back to work full-time and you stay at home and look after Maya. What do you think?” We had sold our flat in Edinburgh two months earlier and ever since had been travelling round the country catching up with friends and family. We had chosen a new city to live in, but we still hadn’t decided exactly how we were going to juggle jobs and the care of our six month-old daughter. And now, after a sleepless night, my wife was standing before me looking rather nervous and asking if I wanted to stay at home and be a house husband. “I think it is a great idea. But are you sure that is what you want?” The relief was clearly visible on her face. The decision made sense for us on so many levels, especially financially – which I have...
Embracing fatherhood as a stay-at-home dad
“I think it would work best if I go back to work full-time and you stay at home and look after Maya. What do you think?” We had sold our...
Sharing our love: adoption and nurturing, attac...
Why are adoption services suspicious of our nurturing and attached parenting? asks Andrei Sierpinski One of my most cherished memories is a family conversation about a bath caddy in our bathroom. Its chrome finish was getting rusty, and while our daughter (2½ years old at the time) was having her bath, my wife and I started discussing whether we should throw away the caddy. Suddenly, our daughter stood up in the bath and made a speech. She obviously cared about what she was about to say, and she wanted it to sound special, so she used arm gestures in the gaps when she could not find suitable words. She said approximately this: “It is white. It is round. It is beautiful. It holds what we need.” We were impressed with how well she expressed herself. We wished to show her that her opinion is important to us. We wanted her...
Sharing our love: adoption and nurturing, attached parenting
Why are adoption services suspicious of our nurturing and attached parenting? asks Andrei Sierpinski One of my most cherished memories is a family conversation about a bath caddy in our...
The gift of starting a family through adoption
Alice Ellerby talks to Ben about the gift of starting a family through adoption Ben, now in his 50s, describes himself as part of a generation of gay men, many of whom grew up not thinking about parenthood. But when he was in his 30s and 40s, the thought began to emerge quite strongly that he wanted to have a family; he wanted to love and care for a child. He and his now husband, Adam, hadn’t been together long when they started to discuss adoption. There were 18 months between Ben and Adam picking up the phone to their local adoption agency, and their son, Sam, aged 2, arriving to live with them. I ask Ben what the adoption process was like during those intervening months. “It’s feels lengthy, but I would act as an advocate for the adoption process in the UK because it has to be very thorough. There are...
The gift of starting a family through adoption
Alice Ellerby talks to Ben about the gift of starting a family through adoption Ben, now in his 50s, describes himself as part of a generation of gay men, many of whom grew...
Roma Norriss on how to connect with children du...
I live on a steep, cobbled hill, which is also a busy pedestrian street full of pretty, colourful little shops. The talking of passers-by trespasses constantly through my large bay window, so I’m privy to a lot of conversations. Little snippets of sweethearts chirping at one another, some business-y phone calls, and many, many endearing interactions between parents and their offspring. Because this hill is tricky and tiring for tiny legs, most small children ask to be carried. And they get a range of responses, depending on how resourced their parent happens to be in the moment. One of the responses that tugs at my heart most is when a parent threatens to leave their child (or actually walks off) in order to get them to follow. I’m not judging. I’ve been there myself. (In fact, if you saw my article in issue 77 on how trauma patterns are passed...
Roma Norriss on how to connect with children during difficult moments
I live on a steep, cobbled hill, which is also a busy pedestrian street full of pretty, colourful little shops. The talking of passers-by trespasses constantly through my large bay...
One mum shares her experience of selective mutism
Beth Robertson speaks to her mother, Jean Robertson, about Jean’s experience of Beth’s early childhood condition The master bedroom is quiet, but as inviting as it’s always been. The bed is made, and a collection of plushies and figurines stand guard over it from a shelf above the headrest. There’s a desk on the far side of the room, but we are sitting on the end of the bed. The woman in front of me is smiling – nervous but composed – and her eyes are focused on me. We look like opposites – her medium length brown hair contrasting my short red hair – but our eyes are the same. This is my mother, Jean Robertson, and 16 years ago, she was introduced to the condition selective mutism when I developed it after a childhood trauma. “I would describe selective mutism as a child that wants to speak but...
One mum shares her experience of selective mutism
Beth Robertson speaks to her mother, Jean Robertson, about Jean’s experience of Beth’s early childhood condition The master bedroom is quiet, but as inviting as it’s always been. The bed...
Beneath the surface of Mother's Day: four mums ...
In a commercialised society, Mother’s Day may simply be viewed as the next date after Valentine’s Day for which we are inundated with adverts for flowers, chocolates and saccharine cards. We are awash with images and quotations representing an idealised version of motherhood. How often do we stop and think about what dwells beneath these representations? And what is Mother’s Day like if you have a challenging, ambiguous or absent relationship with your mother?In the UK, Mothering Sunday has deep roots, with its origins in Greek and Roman springtime festivals that were held in honour of the mother goddesses Rhea and Cybele. As with many pagan festivals, these later became enveloped into the Christian calendar. Mothering Sunday, celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent, became the day on which people would visit their ‘mother’ church. Domestic servants were given the day off work, and families would reunite. Children would gather...
Beneath the surface of Mother's Day: four mums share their story
In a commercialised society, Mother’s Day may simply be viewed as the next date after Valentine’s Day for which we are inundated with adverts for flowers, chocolates and saccharine cards....
How adoptive parents can love biologically and ...
Adoptive parents like to believe that parenting their children is no different from parenting biological children. As adoptive parents, we cherish, treasure and love our children as passionately and deeply as if they were birthed from us. Parents who adopt their children as infants and toddlers may enjoy many years of family harmony before their children begin to signal unmet needs. Parents who adopt their children between the ages of four and eighteen will often be shown very quickly that biological parenting will be overwhelmingly inadequate to their children’s needs. Some families intuitively know that the behavioural challenges, emotional distance, physical defensiveness and spiritual depression in their children are related to adoption, but many families push that instinct out of their minds, assuming that it is taboo to consider. In my work with adoptive families, I see a disheartening pattern of families consulting with multiple therapists and providers only to...
How adoptive parents can love biologically and parent therapeutically
Adoptive parents like to believe that parenting their children is no different from parenting biological children. As adoptive parents, we cherish, treasure and love our children as passionately and deeply...
